


breathe

by rain (meggowo)



Series: taz song fics [3]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Episode: e060-066 The Stolen Century Parts 1-7, Gen, I Made Myself Cry, Just angst, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-27
Updated: 2020-03-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:47:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23346403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meggowo/pseuds/rain
Summary: Taako scrubs at his eyes, growing frustrated at what little control he has over himself, and through it all Barry just sits there, a presence neither welcome nor unwelcome at his side, rubbing his back.He wishes it was Lup instead.
Relationships: Lup & Taako (The Adventure Zone)
Series: taz song fics [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1652776
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	breathe

**Author's Note:**

> behold, another ts song fic bc that's all i have the inspiration to write these days!! this one is based on breathe by taylor swift, a song that, fun fact, still makes me cry to this day!! [accio_belle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/accio_belle) did me a huge favour and beta-ed this fic for me, so pls go give them some love!!  
> i hope y'all enjoy!! xx

Lup’s been missing for just over a week.

Taako’s searched everywhere. Barry’s searched everywhere. And they’ve gotten nowhere. Taako’s been avoiding the rest of the crew ever since their third day without her, and as much as he can tell some of them (i.e. Magnus) are worried, they’ve spent enough time together in the past century for them to understand that Taako needs space. 

The sole person he’s spoken to at all since then has been Barry, the only one even remotely close to being able to understand how he feels if only to coordinate their searching. They needed to be as efficient as possible and having the two of them search the same place made no sense. Lup would come and find them if she’d gone full lich and if she was still alive there was no way she would be bouncing around in a way that would make their repetitive searching worth it.

Even so, Taako keeps their time together short. He can’t afford to let them get distracted. Though this time, it feels different. Sure, he’s gone periods without Lup before, but that was when he had the security blanket of knowing that she would just reappear on the deck of the Starblaster at the beginning of the next year, and there was no telling when this year would end. 

He steps on the deck to find Barry already seated at the small table near the left side of the ship, a map spread out in front of him, and although the human has another chair pulled out across from him, Taako completely ignores it in favour of sitting on the metal floor, leaning his back against the glass fencing that spans the entirety of the edge of the deck. Even once Taako settles himself, cross-legged in the corner, neither of them speak for a while. The silence rings out amid the rumbling of the Starblaster’s bond engine, the rushing of wind, and the faint sound of the waves beneath them as they soar over the vast expanse of blue that makes up the Northern Faerûn ocean. If Taako took the time to look close enough he would be able to see the small white lines of cresting waves, but all he could find himself focussing on was the shiny, metallic floor.

Taako could have never imagined that Lup would leave him. For over a century she’d been a constant in his life, something he’d clearly taken for granted now that she was gone. He’s never thought that she would take off like that, leaving behind only a piece of scrap paper reading ‘ _back soon_ ’, not stopping to tell anyone where she was going, not even packing a bag. He must have done something. Something that made her change her mind about the team, about Barry, about him. He’s used to her taking off for short stints, it’s what she did when she was overwhelmed, and he had accepted it long ago. But usually, there was some indication. Usually, she was restless. _Usually_ , she would talk to Taako. But this time there had been no sign at all, nothing to tell Taako that Lup had even been thinking about leaving for good. She’d been a bit sad, a bit standoffish, but Lup just got like that sometimes, especially during the century they’d spent on the ship. She would get stuck in her head and would get herself down, and normally it was Taako’s job to pull her out of it with twin time, cooking, or some other distraction.

It’s killing him to be alone without her. Sure, the rest of the crew is still there, but Lup is his and he is Lup’s, it’d always been that way ever since they were kids travelling with caravan after caravan. Lup is his heart, and he doesn’t know what to do now that his heart is gone.

Taako tries to steel himself. Lup has to be out there somewhere, she would never just ditch Barry, he’s different and good, and the biggest dork she’s ever met, and she's _happy_ with him, she’d told Taako that. She would never ditch Taako either. And if she did, they’re going to find her and drag her back home. There’s no way this is the end. It can’t be. Not when they’ve finally found a way to stop the huge, dark, plane-eating mass that had been chasing them for an entire century. It can’t be over, because who is Taako without Lup? He doesn’t know, and he doesn’t want to find out.

Taako leans his head against his knees, curling in on himself. He can feel Barry’s eyes on him, and as much as he wishes he could just force himself out of his own head and return his gaze so that they could get this fucking meeting over with, he can’t. They need to get into planning what to do next, and he knows that Barry’s waiting for him to compose himself. He’s probably almost as worried as Taako is, but he still has the decency to step back while Taako tries to stop himself from falling apart right there in front of him. ‘Back soon,’ what a joke. It had been over a week, and while Taako has, unsurprisingly, been worried the entire time she’s been gone, it’s only just started to sink in that she might be somewhere that he can’t follow. Leaving like this might have been the worst way she could have left. Now he has no one. Lup’s the only thing he knows for sure, the only thing so familiar to him that he could read her with a single look. She’s the only thing he knows like the back of his own hand.

But she’s gone. And he can feel the rising panic in his lungs, breaths coming short and harsh as if he’s missing a lung instead of his heart, but where her warm hands are supposed to rest on his shoulders, grounding him and pulling him down from it, now there’s only the cool air rushing past the ship as it continues on its path through the sky. He can’t breathe without her, it’s something that has always been plain as Barry’s fashion sense to him. But it looks like he’s going to have to try.

Somehow, after what could have been two minutes or half an hour, Taako manages to get his breathing under control, something which Barry graciously decides not to mention.

Maybe this is all his fault. Lup has been down for a while, ever since they’d sent their relics fabricated from the Light out into the world. Taako’s noticed, but he’s been so exhausted, so relieved that it was finally over, so tired of caring about people who are essentially dust, anyways. He hasn’t been able to truly care about anyone but the crew for years now. None of them really mattered, not to him. But she cared. Lup cared. And as much as he would normally try to care, for her, he just couldn’t this time, not when the endless cycles might actually be over for the first time. Clearly, that nonchalance hadn’t worked out, though, and now she’s gone. Wherever she is now, she can’t help them solve anything anymore. This could be the last plane. Their last jump could’ve been just that – their last jump. And that meant that there could be no chance for Lup to reform again. Nothing that anyone could say right now could fix that.

It could never be simple or easy, how could it be when he was involved. Taako wishes Lup was there, it’s a problem she created, but she would know exactly how to go about fixing it. Lup is the one with the level head between them, she’s the only one patient enough to know all of him, she’d been there for all of it. Lup is his bridge with other people. Without her, it feels like he’s lost everyone in the crew, not just her, and he feels... utterly alone, and there’s nobody to save him from that. Not that he would expect there to be, he was used to only relying on himself and Lup, but clearly, he’s not as independent as he thought he was. His inability to function properly without Lup has proved that a million times over. Even as Barry rises from his seat at the table and sinks to the floor beside him to lift a comforting hand to his shoulder, Taako feels more alone than he ever has in his life.

He realizes too late that his shoulders are shaking. He’s getting snot and tears all over his already mangled clothes, torn and singed from his latest trip down to the planet to search for Lup. He trails a finger down a tear in his pants that starts at his knee and travels down to his ankles in an attempt to distract himself from his emotions, the fraying fabric rough beneath his fingertips. He hiccups, breathing coming in spurts. He must look a mess: long strands of blond hair falling scruffily from his braid along with the sticks and bits of leaves caught in it, shirt burned to the point where he’s missing most of his left sleeve, silk hat rumpled and peppered with holes. His last journey down to Faerûn had been a mess, and he’s no closer to finding Lup than when he’d left. The tear in his pants had happened down a seam that Taako had already stitched up twice, and each time it was torn open again it grew in size. Just something else he’s going to have to deal with.

Taako scrubs at his eyes, growing frustrated at what little control he has over himself, and through it all Barry just sits there, a presence neither welcome nor unwelcome at his side, rubbing his back. 

He wishes it was Lup instead.

He can feel the empty place in his heart where Lup is supposed to be. She’s what makes him care, what stops him from being cold and calloused and mean like the family they left behind on their home plane. She’s what made him open up to the rest of the crew, and she’s also what’s made him close himself off from the rest of them now. He tries to be angry, tries to summon the biting cold that he knows has been hiding beneath the surface of his skin, the cold that makes him snap at Merle when he asks if he’d been doing okay, the cold that stops him from accepting Lucretia’s hand up when he goes down easier than normal when they spar because he’s just so tired. But for the first time in his life, it doesn’t work. He could never be angry with Lup. Sad and disappointed and so, so lost, yes, but he misses her too much to be angry with her. And he knows that she wouldn’t want him to cope like this. He recognizes Barry’s presence at his side as a question, a silent ‘are you okay?’. And even though he’s exhausted, Taako knows that Lup would want him to try. She’d want him to let Barry in.

Taako tries to calm himself, and when his eyes stop leaking and he finally stops tripping over his breaths, he looks up at Barry. He tries for an aloof smile that he knows is in no way convincing.

“How’s it goin’?”

And Barry, nice, nerdy Barry trips over his words. Taako tries, he really does, but he can hardly pay attention to the words that come out of his own mouth. It’s becoming a bit harder to follow the conversation like a white cloud has settled over it. He’s having trouble breathing again. Lup’s face, his own face, it’s becoming harder to picture for some reason.

“Um, I’ve triangulated it here,” Barry says, pulling his map from the table.

Taako looks down to where he’s pointing and tries to sound like he’s been paying attention. “Yeah, it seems like a good place as any. Do you want to do the usual? I’ll go down and start casting around, see if I can pick up anything, then you’ll start talking to folks?”

He tries to fit himself back into the conversation, but he feels... off. It almost feels like Lup’s – his sister? – memory is slipping away, like trying to cup water in his palms despite it slipping between his fingers. He has a split-second thought about going to check on Fisher, but he’s... tired. 

Maybe... if he forgets Lup, it’ll hurt less.

His thoughts grow murkier and more confusing as he thinks of his sister. What’s her favourite colour again... blue? And her favourite thing to cook is Auntie’s turkey recipe... Her hair is... was it short? No, maybe it was long. He has the feeling it was blond, although he doesn’t know why. And her favourite colour was yellow. Or orange? No, it was blue, how could he have forgotten that? 

He can feel her slipping away, and he curls in on himself again. _I’m sorry_ , he thinks heavily, and her name is on the tip of his tongue, but it won’t come out. _I’m so sorry_.

The word ‘sorry’ echoes around his mind as he struggles to remember her face.

“Taako, what if she’s just gone?”

There’s Barry, sitting next to him. Wait – Barry? How does Taako know his name? How does _he_ know _Taako’s_ name? He struggles frantically against the hand on his shoulder, eyes wide and mind artificially blank.

“Who?

**Author's Note:**

> come scream at me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/xsunshowerx)!!!
> 
> (also i made a [kofi](https://ko-fi.com/rainsmith), so if you enjoyed this or any of my other work and would like to support me, i would really appreciate it!)


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